Dizzy
by Madgirl Insane
Summary: My PMS song fic! Lucius/Narcissa. It's rather fluffy.... until you get to the last scene. It's dark and gory.... it's the only reason I bothered to upload this.


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A/N: This is my.... PMS fic! Of course! It's another Goo Goo Dolls songfic. Shut up, Dom, I like the Goo Goo Dolls. And Matchbox Twenty. AND THE SPICE GIRLS! Hehehe never mind; inside joke.

You're cynical and beautiful

You always make a scene

Narcissa.

I remember seeing her the first day she entered Hogwarts. I was in third year, and I was staring. Everyone was. She was beautiful even then. "White, Narcissa!" McGonagall hollered. Every student in the Great Hall, normally bored and paying no attention by the end of the Sorting Ceremony, had been attentive till the end, waiting for this girl's name to be called. The hall rippled with a sigh as her name was called.

"RAVENCLAW!"

Of course. A girl that beautiful wouldn't be in Slytherin. She wouldn't live the cursed, evil life all of us had to bear. I sighed, causing Clarisse Bixby to look my way. Ugh. 

I crossed the girl off my mind. What did she matter to me?  


__

You're monochrome delirious

You're nothing that you seem

My first meeting with Narcissa was nothing I had expected, if I had expected anything at all. I bumped into her on my way to Charms.

"Watch where you're going," I snapped, not looking up. I started to walk away.

"That wasn't very nice." I turned around. There stood Narcissa White. 

"Should I care?" Ugh! The old Malfoy charm. Guaranteed to make any girl hate you for eternity. _Damn._

"Probably," was her answer. "I mean, I should probably like you, right? That might help."

"What are you talking about." It wasn't a question; not the way I said it, nor the way I meant it. "Idiot."

Narcissa grinned at me, pleased and condescending: the same smile I had used a million times. 

"You don't even know." This, too, was not a question. "You don't even know, do you?"

I unwillingly shook my head.

"Well," said Narcissa, "If you don't know I'm certainly not going to be the one to tell you."  


She walked off, leaving me stunned.

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I'm drownin' in your vanity

Your laugh is your disease 

I was to marry Narcissa White.

I couldn't believe it. Actually, I could, which was worse. My father said it had always been this and would continue to be this way. The first born Malfoy marrying the richest, most beautiful pureblood girl in Hogwarts.

Narcissa was that girl.

We 'met' over Christmas vacation. I hadn't told Mother and Father that Narcissa and I had already met, and when the Whites arrived it became apparent Narcissa hadn't either. I was formally introduced to her. We were both very polite. 

A couple of hours later, however, as I watched her be led out the door by her mother, she suddenly turned around and made an odd face at me. It went unnoticed by everyone but me, and it was extremely childish.

I smiled in spite of myself.

__

You're dirty and you're sweet

You know you're everything to me

For the next two years I didn't see a lot of Narcissa. Every Christmas and summer holidays he and her family would visit, to insure that we remembered each other and didn't fall in love with anyone else. Narcissa and I scarcely spoke to each other, and we were seldom left alone together-- such would be quite improper. Sometimes I saw her in the hall. I would mutter hello and she would respond with something like, "Have you ever thought about how many windows there are in this school?"

Though I never let on, I lived for such exchanges.

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Everything you are

Falls from the sky like a star 

Everything you are

Whatever ever you are

When I was in fifth year, it was announced that there would be a Winter Ball. Fourth year and up could attend. "But if you prefer to bring a younger student, that would be... acceptable." Professor Brack's cold voice made it clear that _he_, for one, didn't think it was acceptable.

I did. As I walked down the hall after Potions, one word vibrated in my head: Narcissa. Narcissa. Narcissa.

But I couldn't. Every single time I saw her-- was she following me? why did I keep seeing her everywhere?-- my mouth and brain would get all jumbled up. Or perhaps I just didn't want to give my father the satisfaction.

"Lucius?"

I jumped. When I turned around, there she was. "Yes?" I asked, trying to appear unshaken.

"Well," she said, "I was wondering if, maybe you would like to take me to the Winter Ball?"

This girl had guts. A lot. More than me. And I was Lucius Malfoy, two years older, worshipped Slytherin and top in my year. That says something, but I'm not sure whether it's about me or her.

She was beautiful. As I stood outside the door to Ravenclaw, my jaw was scraping the ground. She was so... so... I couldn't think of a word. Beautiful became a useless word in that instant.

She was, to use a cliche, the bell of the ball, and she wasn't even old enough to be at the ball. 

She sparkled. I followed her around. Narcissa was the only person I ever followed around in my entire life besides my father, but I couldn't help it. Everyone followed her. 

At the last dance of the night, I couldn't help myself. I whispered, "Will you, um, be my girlfriend?"

Suave, Malfoy. Really _smooth_. 

"Okay," she whispered. She rested her head on my shoulder. "Okay."

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I wanna kick at the machine

That made you piss away your dreams

Tear down your defenses

Till there's nothing there but me

Narcissa and I became inseparable. Perhaps it was odd, me two years older than her.... eternity in school. But we were. Everything just... clicked with her. We were exactly the same.

Narcissa had bad days. She would receive a letter, or come back from a break... she would be horribly upset. She never told me, exactly, what it was, but I knew. Her father beat her mother. Sometimes he would beat Narcissa, too, but that didn't seem to bother her as much. "Mother..." she would choke out through sobs. I held her.

She would look up at me, sometimes. By then I was in sixth year; we were in love, or as "in love" as you can be at that age. "Lucius?"

"What? What is it?" I held her closer.

"You wouldn't--- you would never---"

But she didn't know that I knew, so she would stop. I hated her father then, more than anything in the world. Why couldn't he see? His beautiful daughter..... 

__

Never, Narcissa, I would think, staring down at her. _I would never do that to you_.

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You're angry when you're beautiful

We did everything together. I stop talking to everyone in my House. No major loss, as they all reminded me of home, my father, the cold evil living inside of him that would someday be passed down to me.

I loved her, and that was the plainest, simplest way to describe it. No longer was it school-time love; I knew, and still know, that it was for real. I would follow her, or she would follow me; we were together. I ate at the Ravenclaw table. None of the Ravenclaws were particularly fond of me, but I barely noticed.

We would sit outside together often: on a hill, at the lake, in a garden. "You're beautiful," I told her once, her head resting on my lap.

"Am I?" She asked suddenly, her tone of voice different, angry. "Is that all I am?"

"No," I said. "You know you're more, so much more."

"Then why did you say it?"

I think that that was supposed to be the ending line; I was not supposed to answer. She believed that I wouldn't.

"Because you are." 

It was five minutes later, five silent, staring minutes. "What?"

"I told you that you were beautiful because you were. I believe that to be beautiful on the outside you have to be beautiful inside, and you're both." I said it matter of factly, because to me it was fact.

She kissed me then. "Aw, damn, I love you."

__

Your love is such a tease

That summer she was vacationing in my town with her parents. To discuss marriage matters. I couldn't understand this; Narcissa still had three years until she graduated. We were to marry in the winter after Narcissa's graduation. Narcissa and I both agreed that only our sets of parents would want a dull, dreary winter wedding.

My father said that for a Malfoy, it was never too early to plan for a wedding. "It must be the grandest affair in the wizarding England," he said.

Though I wasn't sure I understood, I didn't mind. I wanted to marry Narcissa. More than anything. I wondered what I would do after I graduated and she was still at Hogwarts, the years I was to spend "building my career". 

I did not tell my parents I loved Narcissa. Then I would lose my only weapon against them. Narcissa agreed. "Actually," she said, "just against my father. Not my mother." 

I understood, and agreed. My mother wasn't cruel; just stupid and blank. 

After days of sitting around with our parents, I decided that we needed a break. "Come on," I said during one of our few 'alone moments' without parents, usually spent talking, lest someone walk in on us.

"What? Where?"

"I'm not sure," I admitted. "But out. Somewhere."

"Fine!" Narcissa said. "I am so sick of this."

I put on a hurt look. "Of me?"

She grinned. "Yeah," she said. "You are _so_ boring. Get a life, why don't you?"

I led her out to the back. "Aha!" My old Shooting Star. Old, but the best out there. "Get on."

Narcissa, who, thanks to special notes from Lord White, had never ridden a broom in her life, snorted. "Yeah, right."

"No, seriously," I told her. "I promise you'll like it."

She grumbled about me wanting to kill her so I didn't have to marry. But she got on.

We soared above the clouds. Or at least it felt like it. I loved flying. Everything went away.... my father, all the hate, all the evil, everything. Except Narcissa.

She was always with me.

She loved flying too, I could tell right away. She screamed with delight every time we turned, or dived. But her favorite part was when we flew over the pond. The sun was setting, and it was beautiful. We stopped and stared.

"I love it," Narcissa said, sounding awed. "I really do."

"It reminds me of you," I said. It was the most romantic thing I'd ever said to her, and I would have minded saying under other circumstances.

Not now.

Now it just felt right.

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I'm drowning in your dizzy noise 

I wanna feel you scream

We were so happy then. So young... so happy... we had no idea about the real world.

I wonder what it was the changed us. Maybe it was me. Maybe it was my work at the Ministry, the horrible things I saw every day. Maybe it was being away from her that changed. Maybe it was looking in the mirror one morning and suddenly seeing my father.

Maybe it was her. Maybe she fell in love with someone else in my absence. Maybe she matured from the Narcissa I loved.

It was gradual, I know that. At first when we re-met we were completely in love, as inseparable as ever. Little by little, though, things were different. Little by little.

I see Draco in the corner. He is sucking his thumb even though he is six years old, watching me, his eyes wide open in frightened terror. I hit her again. She screams. I can feel her throat vibrating in my left hand. My left hand, which is holding her throat. While my right hand beats her, unrelenting.

I think back to the days when she would cry for her mother's sake. When she would begin to ask me if I would never do this to her. I would always know what she couldn't say, and my unspoken answer would always be the same.

__

Never, Narcissa. I would never do that to you.

I'm not very good with promises. 

I speak to her.

"Never tell anyone," I hiss. I call her a name that pains my ears, to hear it in my voice. 

She does not cry. She will not let herself cry. Narcissa will scream, but she will not allow a single tear to fall from her eye. I respect that. 

I respect her much more than I respect myself. Of course, considering what I am doing right now, that isn't surprising. 

In an instant, I suddenly realize I still love her. I love her so much it hurts, makes me weak. I love Narcissa. I always have. I always will.

Then I raise my hand to her again.

A/N: Whoa. I wrote some of this at school, some at home. I like it. Well, I like the last scene. It means... it means Lucius hits her to stay in control. To preserve the image of powerful Lucius Malfoy. 

Peace!

-Madgirl Insane


End file.
